I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
