A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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