Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
