i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
