Im at strip club and am horny
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
