I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize