college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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