i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
