So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
