Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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