Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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