apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
My vagina is officially offended.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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