On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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