Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
