Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
