I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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