i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
This can only be settled by a dance off.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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