so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
