I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
