Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
