My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i think i scared a bird with my dick
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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