Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
