Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
