i was born a porn star she said
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
tequila makes me forget i have legs
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
