Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
