I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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