Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
