Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
