I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
