im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
