apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
