and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
