I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
