I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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