I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
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