Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
