foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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