So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
