I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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