I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
They took my balls.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
