i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
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He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
We have started to decorate penises.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
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Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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