Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
