So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
