i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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