You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
