Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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