I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
