You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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