Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
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