If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
