I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
