Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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